Prince Charming
by SilentCoru
Summary: "You'd think eventually I'd give up on rescuing her. There's only so long kisses on the cheek can go on and not seem... platonic. After all, princesses don't really end up with plumbers." Little humorous fic, from Mario's point of view on Peach's... ahem... special day. Rated T for language and sarcasm. [Mario] [AU]
1. Her Special Day

Well, I guess it's obvious, but I'm not Prince Charming.

Prince Charming doesn't grab a beer from his oddly humming fridge (damn thing sounds like a plane taking off). Prince Charming isn't short and not-so-built, sitting in the worn ass-print of his favorite chair and staring out the window while the TV broadcasts white noise.

Prince Charming doesn't eat take-out every night, and he probably doesn't live with his cowardly little brother, who whines about being in his shadow when really I've never cast one big enough to encompass the smallest Toad.

And yeah, maybe I've fought a dragon dozens, _hundreds_ of times, but Prince Charming never gets just a kiss on the cheek and a slice of cake as a reward. He damn well doesn't go on Grambi-forsaken quests just to return home and sleep alone, that's for sure.

So no, I'm not Prince Stars-Damn-Him Charming.

I kind of thought that maybe I was, once. Right there at the start, when the first name she called was mine. That huge-ass turtle with that awful maw was terrifying but I followed her across the whole world to get to him. You better believe I felt like some sort of knight in shining armor when I finished that thing off the first time; after weeks of endless deserts and forsaken tundra, after scaling cliffs and defeating endless monsters, after facing off with the _fire-breathing, spike covered_ s_tar-damned KING of evil_, I had faced her and suddenly been uncertain. What were you supposed to say to the girl you'd gone through all manner of hell to get to?

But she had smiled then- like an angel, I'll never forget it- and called me a hero in that gentle voice. With my sweaty hand in her cool ones, she had bent to press a kiss to my singed cheek.

I won't lie. At the time, it had been the best moment of my life. I mean yeah, I wanted a little more than that, but it was enough.

... After a while, though, it wasn't.

You'd think eventually I'd give up on rescuing her. There's only so long kisses on the cheek can go on and not seem... platonic. There was always that awkward moment after I rescued her- cringe-worthy- where I'd take her back to the castle and she'd give me a smile and say "well, bye Mario! Do come by!" and then trot off to that blubberingly relieved care-taker of hers.

And I'd walk home alone feeling confused, and then after a dozen or so quests, like a chump.

We fell into some sort of routine- all of us, the whole kingdom. That ugly lizard would kidnap her (sometimes just breaking a window, sometimes taking off with the whole damn castle into SPACE), I would be called upon by the panicked and air-headed populace, and then I'd travel through eight worlds or a hundred paintings or with oh-so-loyal companions to save her. I'd collect all the stars or shine sprites or pure hearts or blue coins or what the hell ever and I'd have a final show-down of sorts that felt like an empty achievement after a while. She'd tell me I was a hero- not Prince Charming- and she'd smile that smile that turned me into goo and made me determined to do whatever it took to win her over. A friendly peck on the cheek, one enormous turtle left to lick his wounds and swear revenge, and then I'd be back to sheepishly kicking rocks as I headed home alone.

And now, well, I've finally given up. As all the adoring, brainless citizens of the kingdom gather to watch the princess's happily ever after, I turn off the TV and stare glaze-eyed out the window. I guess it hurts more than I could ever admit, but what else could I expect? The princess to end up with the plumber, some rags-to-riches tabloid for everyone to drool and coo over?

I mean, yeah, that's what I was hoping for. The engagement had come as a sickly unexpected surprise, the kind that makes you feel stupid for not seeing it coming.

But the guy she's with, well, he looks exactly as you'd expect. Blonde and blue-eyed just like her, perfect. He might as well be dipped in star-damned chrome. And on TV, she was the blushing bride today that everyone was falling over themselves to congratulate.

A shadow falls over the suburb as I'm looking out the window, finally forcing me to focus. Up above, a spike-covered pirate ship speeds towards the castle. I hear a distant _gwa-ha-ha-ha!_

Smiling grimly, I flick the TV back on to watch the wedding. Let Prince Charming handle this one.


	2. Reality Check

It didn't take them very long to start pounding at my door. Not very long at all.

Watching Prince Charming get chewed out by the turtle on live television? I could do that every star-damned day.

Having the whole freaking kingdom (seriously, how many times does your monarch have to be kidnapped before you just learn to accept it? Become cynical even, for Grambi sake) come wailing at my door? Yeah, no. I could live without.

With a sigh, I carry my gut up from the couch and shuffle slowly to the door. I even take a second to lean heavily on the handle and regret my life decisions before I open up.

"Maaaarrrrrrriiiiiiiioooooooooo!"

The entire city is piled on my yard, most shedding fountains of tears or running around in a mad daze. I watch, bored, as one of the screamers gets lodged between my fence posts; his buddy tries to tug him out only to have his hands slip and leave him launching backwards into the boiling mass of a crowd. Toadsworth himself is on my welcome mat, face flushed with panic.

"Mario, the p-p-p-princess-" he pauses to heave a sob, and then his voice piles high into a whistling scream as he finishes"-has been KIDNAPPED!"

The crush of Toads behind him wail in reprise, and I barely hold my eyes in place so they don't roll into the back of my head. I tell myself that saying "gasp" flatly will only confuse the little guys further.

Instead, I say, "so?" I know it's not going to be that easy, but a guy can dream.

Toadsworth is abruptly agape. Agog. His mustache barely hides his shock. "Master Mario, whatever do you MEAN-"

"She's got a new husband, right?" I keep my gaze steady as a twinge settles in my rib cage at the word "husband". My gut can't decide whether it's twisting with jealousy or nausea.

"Well yes, they never finished their vows but the Prince Decorus is here-"

"I think," I interrupt him yet again, "that it makes it _his_ problem."

The writhing horde stills at my words, looking at each other, and then at Toadsworth to hear his response. They are a flock of sheep with bated breath, waiting for the shepherd to cry wolf and send them spiraling into hysterics yet again. I fold my arms and wait.

The senior Toad's brow furrows. "Well you see, Master Mario, he is not…" He clears his throat and whispers the last part, even though the yard has become dead silent so everyone can hear. "He is not… competent in rescue, as it were."

Shallow gasps all around, and then a hushed and steady murmuring. I'm not surprised. Prince Charming- or Decor or whatever- looked like a pretty boy on the TV and I doubt he could take a trip through the Darklands without killing himself.

Which doesn't really sound half bad.

"He signed up for this," I say, tone beginning to bleed into something pissed off and fed up. "Let him try. Only way to get better is to practice."

The Toad elder is nodding over and over and wringing his hands at my words. "Yes, yes, that is as it should be, but his esteemed highness refuses to leave his room in the castle." I raise an eyebrow. "By Jove, Mario, he even demanded tea and cake before locking the doors to his guest quarters!" Toadsworth continues, working himself back up into the latter stages of alarm. "He won't even consider discussing methods to rescue the princess!"

Aha, so the perfect man has a flaming yellow belly. Who would have thought that a sharp jawline couldn't stab monsters? I'm suddenly torn between thinking this is funny as hell and _why me?_

"What exactly do you want, Toadsworth?" I sigh. "Do you really think it would be… decent… for me to rescue another guy's uh, fiance?" Without a speck of shame, I play on the poor Toad's sense of etiquette.

This seems to work big time. Toadsworth suddenly seems embarrassed and flustered; his little hands are going to twist themselves off like light bulbs. I wait.

"Master Mario, to think! No, what a proposition! Prince Decorus should of course be issued to retrieve his betrothed, but… oh, what a monstrous pickle…" The little monarch looks up at me with a truly pitiful look on his face. "Mario, old chap… could you find it in your gentle heart to speak to the prince?"

Gentle heart, old chap? He was putting all of his antique buttering skills to work. I finally started to give in, feeling myself cave like a poorly-made souffle. The swarm of Toads had quieted, waiting for my reply. With a deep exhale, I finally said,  
"Fine."

The crowd leapt into cheers, boiling with a joy that wasn't really so different from the panic of five minutes before. But what can I say? It felt good. If the princess couldn't see me as something other than her ride home, at least her people could.

* * *

I am sitting outside of the door of Prince Decorus. Prince Charming. The guy who blew kisses to the Mushroom Kingdom on television at his wedding. He probably wears shoulder pads and has his hair molded into place every morning while his star-damned cuff links get polished.

I freaking hate this guy already. The kind of hate that makes you fed up with someone before you even knocked on their lacquered, gilded suite door. Damn it. Damn him.

I knocked.

"Prince What's-His-Bucket. We're going to save your fiance." I keep it simple, because I'm classy like that. I hear a rustle from the other side of the door, as if someone is pressed up against it trying to hear.

"What? Who's that? Who is it?" His voice is smooth, over-annunciated, and grates on my nerves immediately.

I sigh. "Mar- it's the dude in red, okay? We don't have time for chit-chat, I'm not gonna braid your hair while we get to know each other. I got pulled into this mess because Toadsworth said you need my help rescuing the princess, so here I am."

"You're going to save Peach from that… that _thing_?" He barely manages to hide his disgust behind the polite white kerchief of his breeding. I snort.

"Open up, Prince Charming, I'm here to deliver a reality check and its going to be rough to take through this door."

Hesitantly, the door clicks open, and there he is with not a perfectly-ironed crease out of place. His hair is a slice of yellow straight from the sun, his face perfect in every edge, his eyes more blue than my overalls. His _sideburns _look like they just got back from the salon.

I want to hurl right on his polished calf-tight boots.

"You!" he gasps. I feel the weight of his stare on my scuffed shoes and stained jeans. His eyes fix on my hat, a full foot below eye-level. "Mario!"

"That's me." I fold my arms and stare him down until he flinches. Wuss. "Listen up, Decorus. I wouldn't even _be _here, because this isn't my _star-damned_ problem, but Toadsworth said you weren't in any shape to go and save your fiance from the turtle." He starts to thank me and sigh his relief, but I hold my palm up and stop him. "Nuh-uh, I'm not just going to take this out of your soft, unused hands. You're coming with me. This is your freaking issue and I'm not dealing with it when you're the one marrying her." This strikes a melancholy nerve in me. I don't let it show. "I'm going with you to fix _your_ mess because you wouldn't make it five steps outside of palace gates without someone there to tie your shoes, and the princess does actually need help sometime in this decade. So let's go."

His eyes have widened during my speech until he's now staring at me with his jaw dropped to his collar. "This isn't- I'm not- why should I-" he sputters and coughs. "_Now?_"

"No time like the present." I start to walk away.

"But- my guards, my bags… are we going by horse or train? What about clothes- luggage? Carriage? Guards-!"

I sigh, back turned as he works himself into a panic. This is going to be long trip.

* * *

**_A/N: So I decided to come back to this story, since a few people actually asked for more. It was meant to be a oneshot with the first chapter (and it has been for 4 months!), but I saw some potential in it and so here we are. I know it's short, but I wanted to get the prologue out of the way before I move on to longer chapters. Also, I'm taking a pretty raw-deal look at this whole set-up, so who knows whether people will appreciate it, haha. It is Nintendo after all. Anyways, reviews are always appreciated! Thanksya. Ciao =]_**


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